Practical Strategies for Positive Parenting

Unfortunately, common sense parenting skills are rare to find these days, and it shows.  Many of us could benefit from programs like RIP, a Regional Intervention Program that teaches parents basic parenting skills.  That was the topic of our fifth parenting discussion, led by my friend who is a mother of four and who went through the RIP program herself.

Yes, I said "all" parents could benefit.  Even with 20 years of parenting six kids and extensive experience both teaching and learning HOW to teach, I learned quite a lot from this lecture.  Of course it's best if both Mom and Dad can come, but any help is better than none!

Luckily, she shared a handout.  Now you, too, can get back to basics!

RIP's Basic Strategies 

• State Expectations in Advance:  Give one clear instruction.
• Catch Your Child Being Good:  Give specific, positive attention to the behavior that you want to occur again.
• Present Limited Reasonable Choices:  Learning to take personal responsibility takes support and practice.
• Use "When…..Then":  Give a simple instruction that tells your child what he must do in order to earn a desired consequence.
• Plan Ahead:  Hope for the best, plan for the worst.
• Know What is Reasonable:  Keep your expectations realistic.  (Part of this is understanding child development, part is knowing your child.  If you suspect that your child may have special needs, seek the help of a qualified professional.)
• Stay Calm:  The more out-of-control your child becomes, the more self control you need to use.  (If you have problems with anger management or depression, seek professional help.)
• Use Neutral Time:  The best time to talk is when everyone is calm enough to listen.

Extra Stress

Not all couples are on the same page when it comes to parenting.  Understandably, problem behaviors can drive a wedge between you two and create terrible stress.  If you are struggling while your spouse/partner is oblivious, there are good books and websites that can get you started with parenting help, and you may want to seek help as a couple, as well.

• Yale Center for Parenting.  It mentions Alan Kazdin's parenting help tips and his book, The Kazdin Method for Parenting the Defiant Child.

• Mayo Clinic  Has information on parenting a child with ADHD, Oppositional Defiance Disorder, etc.

I wish that all parents and teachers who struggle with problem behavior (um, I guess that's all of us!) would participate!

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Go Deep: How Teaching Children Requires an Examination of Conscience

"Go deep!"  At this time of year (football season) you might think that's a direct quote from the quarterback at Friday night's homecoming game.  Nope.  It was from a priest at a Morning of Recollection (a short, mini-retreat) this week, and it got me thinking:  to guide children and to correct them in the classroom is a lot like the spiritual work that we--as adults--do on a daily basis.

"Go deep" means to get to the root of a problem.  Does a disruptive child need more structure?  What might be the "key" to engage his imagination?  We first have to ask if we have presented things poorly or not prepared the environment well.  Beyond that, to "go deep" may mean examining why we struggle with our same faults over and over.  Is my impatience with my children caused by a need to control everything?  Or by a failure to see the good in them?

Maria Montessori said that we as teachers need to make a regular examination of our consciences, so that our own faults don't get in the way of our ability to guide children.  That means our classrooms--whether at home or at a school--become schools of virtue for us.

Tonight I read a good reminder, "Unholy Anger:  Disciplining Ourselves Before Disciplining Our Children," by John F. Crosby (I found it on catholiceducation.org).  In it the author takes a quote from St. John Bosco, the man who started the Salesians and the care of juvenile delinquents.  In a letter to priests he wrote:

 "They are our sons, and so in correcting their mistakes we must lay aside all anger and restrain it so firmly that it is extinguished entirely. There must be no hostility in our minds, no contempt in our eyes, no insult on our lips. We must use mercy for the present and have hope for the future, as is fitting for true fathers who are eager for real correction and improvement."

So let's "Go deep," do a regular examen (a prayerful reflection of our faults), and it'll be a win-win:  we'll grow in holiness and be able to help the children around us.

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